That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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