I'm gonna have a badass scar
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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