I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize