Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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