My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
