Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
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Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
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Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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