my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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