i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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