My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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