No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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