Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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