why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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