I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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