just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
