It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
