My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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