She's JV to your varsity
I didn't shave. On purpose
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
