I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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