If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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