I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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