yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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