i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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