I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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