1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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