We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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