anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
