Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
