it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
