he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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