we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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