1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
