I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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