im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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