i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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