I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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