she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
