Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
