You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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