i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
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Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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