I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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