Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
