This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
