New invention idea: vibrating tampons
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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