note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
