So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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