mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
