we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
