When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
