it hurts more in the daytime
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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