Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
