Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
