I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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